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Hogwarts - School of Death

I really enjoyed the Harry Potter books (except the second one, that was just annoying). But I have always been a little too logical about my magic systems. I just cannot handle the magic system in Harry Potter.

Think about it. Wizards can repair hundreds of destroyed buildings in an afternoon. Buildings that took literally decades to build using normal tech. But the wizards can straighten bent steel i-beams so effectively that they retain their original tensile strength… something that is impossible in the non-magical world. That’s why cars are almost never considered safe after the frame is bent.

All it would take is a wizard building the Empire State Building in an afternoon and that person would, in a matter of months, become the richest person on the planet.

Anyway, back to Hogwarts, School of Death. Let’s get one thing straight, right off the bat…

YOU DO NOT TEACH MIDDLE SCHOOLERS TO TRANSFORM LIVING THINGS!!!

Let me be very clear here. I wouldn’t teach first year Hogwarts students to use magic to start a fire, much less massive body transformations. You’ve given a group of children who have raging hormones and who generally hate/dislike/distrust children from other groups in the same school the ability to turn people who annoy them into a chicken. How the teachers maintain order at that school boggles the mind.

In my wizarding school, before you even learn a spell to create a small flame, you will learn to put out fires under ANY conditions. Conditions like a first year having to do three 3-minute rounds of full contact sparring with a 4th year all the while being hit with spray from a fire hose and at some point during the 3 round, someone in the audience will light a match. The first year has 5 seconds to sense it, locate it, and put it out while still defending themselves in the sparring match. If done successfully, then and only then will they be taught to create fire magically.

That’s the only safe way to do it. Transforming animate or inanimate objects to the other is for graduate students only.

Dueling? First years are taught to generate a shield. An extremely powerful shield, with a half-second’s notice, that will protect them from kinetic strikes (someone throwing something at them), energy strikes (someone attacking them with lightening or a laser), magical strikes (trying to stun them or turn them into a chicken), and mind strikes (someone trying to alter their emotions or read their mind). By the end of the year, they have to be able to take a massive test of the ability to shield themselves from anything. Exam day is like: You may not go into any room except the gym or the main hall. Any student 4th year or above, any staff member, teacher, or visiting auror can attack you using any method they like, whenever they like, all day long. If at any point, you fail to shield yourself, you do not get to learn basic attacks next year and repeat the class. Literally 12 hours of almost constant attacks of all different types is what it takes to be ready to perform attacks.

Keep in mind, we’re not talking about something like martial arts, where 1st years students are taught basic self-defense. Magic is so powerful, that a wizard and bend a steel i-beam half a meter wide while repairing its molecular structure so that it’s tensile strength is unchanged in about 4 seconds.

Obliviate. Teaching a middle or high schooler this spell… if every person in the entire school cannot protect themselves against this very basic attack, then the wizarding world is doomed.

“That Sally bitch was talking to MY boyfriend. I obliviated 10 years of her life. She thinks she’s a 4-year-old now.”

Rant over.

Kevin McCarthy